Moving On

First and foremost… I’m happy!  I have adjusted to “single life” and I am enjoying every minute of it! I love being my own boss and more so, love not having a boss!  Ha!  Wooohoooo to being single!  My divorce was finalized in January. Divorce and leading up to it was absolutely horrible. If it had to be this way (which obviously, according to him, it did...), I am just happy it is over with and thankful that chapter of my life is behind me. Too much pain.  I am now in a much better place.  I have gained my independence, peace of mind, and happiness!  I am smiling once again, laughing and feeling carefree!  You never really realize how dark your days are until you emerge on the other side of the situation and see the sunshine!

With my new life have come many new adventures!  J  I have gone back to the days before marriage... before parenthood... and resumed what I loved most at that time… HIKING.  I have traded the pavement (marathon training) for the soft (although sometimes very rocky) trails of Mother Earth.  I love the great outdoors – the mountains, trees and fresh air!  Walking has always cleared my head but walking in the mountains fills my heart and soul.  It’s a great place for me to be!

Nanette aka Bullseye also gave up pounding the pavement.  She’s out there hiking with me and enjoying the same great adventures!  Backpacks, hiking boots, trekking poles, gaiters… sounds like fun, doesn’t it?!  It is!  And it’s only going to continue to get better! 

In April we climbed up to Angel's Rest and then futher up to Devil's Rest.  

We also hiked in Forest Park a couple of times starting at the Leif Erikson Drive North Trailhead...

I'm far behind on blogging but there are many more pictures to follow.  :)  There is SO MUCH BEAUTY out there!

Happy trails!  Happy me!

On Depression…

I finally clawed – one very short, chewed off fingernail at a time - out of that DEEP… DARK… HOLE… I found myself completely swallowed by for the past couple of years. I would like to believe I will never fall back down there again but with depression, you just never know. I try really hard to stay above it on even ground but every so often something gives me a major shove and I fall right back in there. Getting out is the problem. I fall so far down that I am blinded by the darkness and cannot see any light.

Thankfully I opened up and started talking about it this time in order to save myself from myself… literally. I have surrounded myself with people who love, understand, and are full of compassion. Making those closest to me aware of the situation holds me accountable. I will not let them down. I made a promise to them and to myself…

“MY STORY IS NOT OVER YET”.

My tattoo has started many heartfelt conversations with people that recognized its meaning - people I never knew suffered the same darkness as I do - people who fall into their own “rabbit hole” or “water well”. We are in it together now and are there for each other. Daily.

Those that make fun of, are intolerant of, or make light of depression have never been there themselves. They do not understand.  People who say “get over it”, “you are so selfish”, you are a “mental bitch”, “crazy” and “psychotic” are the reason people like me fall so far. (Yes, those things were said to me.) Depression is an illness. Let’s hope those people never have to see the same type of darkness but get educated some day and be a bit more compassionate to those of us that do.

Opening up and changing my environment has changed my life. Although a certain individual’s words and actions nearly destroyed me, I am ALIVE and WELL and my life is so, so, SO much better now. I see nothing but blue skies and glorious sunshine!

Darkness

It’s no secret. I suffer from depression. I don’t know when it’s arriving and I don’t know when it’s leaving. It can stay for days, weeks or months. It can be gone equally as long. It’s a dark space in the corner of my mind, a black hole, an ugly monster. Sometimes it's raging. Sometimes it's calm. I can’t control it. I can’t overcome it. I grow weary of fighting it. The darkness takes over. The darkness owns me. I grasp and claw... trying to find my way out of the abyss. I scream and cry... trying to make sense of it all. Why does this happen? Will the darkness win in the end? It's a constant battle I try to hide. A constant battle to stay alive.