Let's start here... MY LIFE REALLY SUCKS SOMETIMES and LIFE IS NOT FAIR! (majorly whining here while stomping feet) There. I said it. It is out of my system and will not be repeated. I promise.
I'm not one to EVER feel sorry for myself or to have a big ol' Pity Party but today I am ... and I feel totally justified in doing so.
For the past couple of months I have been having some "issues" and these "issues" concerned me enough to actually go see my doctor. Since that time, I have been through a battery of tests all the way from a brain MRI... to very thorough blood testing... to extensive eye exams... to kidney and bladder scans. I went in because I THOUGHT I had kidney stones. They THOUGHT they needed to rule out Multiple Sclerosis (O.M.G.!!), which THANKFULLY they did. Then recently, at one of the various appointments, the specialist said to me, "Jacqueline, your tests are all fine but have you had your BACK looked at?"
I heard the bells go off at that very moment... Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding dinnnnnnnng!
In the bright neon lights of "This Is Your Life, Jacqueline", Mr. Reality kicked me so hard in the stomach that the air was completely knocked out of me. I was gasping. - Thanks Mister, you are being so frickin kind to me.
So a return trip was made for another MRI, this time on my very temperamental, hypersensitive, unstable and unreliable BACK. We should have started with my back and avoided all the other tests but honestly, BACK issues were the furthest from my mind. In fact, through it all, it never even crossed my mind that it might possibly be my back causing the "issues". Seriously, it probably should have. The "issues" I have been experiencing, I have had before - many times before - BEFORE.... WHEN I HAD BACK ISSUES!
I can honestly say I was in COMPLETE denial. (It's such a strange realization!)
My life has changed drastically over the past five years since my last back surgery - Surgery No. 7. I haven't suffered back pain, leg pain or any other nerve pain for at least three years now. I have worked very hard to build my core strength to support my spine. I walk. I jog (which is probably my undoing but we aren't going to talk about it). I exercise. I even stretched enough to be able to touch my frickin toes!!
To say I have been blindsided is an u-n-d-e-r-s-t-a-t-e-m-e-n-t. A major one at that.
The report says I have two, yes - I said TWO, herniated discs. That's T-W-O. One above my fusion at L3-4 and one below my fusion at L5-S1. In addition (like I need anything more), I have a "great amount of scar tissue surrounding nerve roots, binding nerve roots with fibrous adhesions." (Gee, I can't even imagine how THAT happened. - And yes, I'm being very sarcastic in addition to being very pissy) Needless to say, I have some serious BACK ISSUES... once-frickin-again.
What's next, you ask? I am going to see a neurosurgeon and BEG for cortisone shots, physical therapy, or anything else that might keep Surgery No. 8 off the radar. Acupuncture. Medication. ANYTHING. BUT. SURGERY. It has been five years - surely they have other ways to deal with this by now other than cutting me open! Right?! I was scared the last go-around that I wouldn't make it through that surgery - so scared that I went so far as to say goodbye to my beloved children and husband. Today I am just as frightened of surgery. TERRIFIED, in fact. I can't go through that again. I just can't.
But even with the Pity Party in full swing - tears full of anger, fear and WHY ME AGAIN?! - I am still optimistic because that's EXACTLY who I am. (I'm honestly not really this pissy, whining chick you're dealing with right now.) I know I am an incredibly strong individual and a very determined one too. I'm not about to sit down and give up. Pain? What's that? I can deal with it. I have... I do... and I will. I have quite a bit of stiffness and muscle spasms in my back (but I'm still out there walking!) and well... I can no longer touch my frickin toes... but WHATEEEEEVVVVVVVEEEEEERRRRR!! I also THOUGHT my foot was swelling and falling asleep in my shoe due to tightness but after it happened AGAIN while walking - in a different pair of loose shoes - I believe it's just another "issue" in this whole unwelcomed nightmare. But hey, I can deal with that too. I will. I'M TOUGH. This is ME we are talking about. I'm a MARATHON WALKER, by golly! I
So I say to you, Mr. Frickin Reality... you can KISS. MY. ASS.
________________________
"I'm too positive to be doubtful; too optimistic to be fearful; and I'm too determined to be defeated." - Mother Teresa
I love you more than a friend - as a sister (even though you have one!). Please, please contact me anytime, day or night, about anything. I know we haven't been as close as we used to be (literally sitting 3 feet apart for hours a day, years at a time), but know that I am here for you just as much now as I was then.
ReplyDeleteVERY SPECIAL COMMENTS COPIED FROM A THREAD IN FACEBOOK. (I deleted last names because the comments were not publicly made on this blog.) Everyone's words are very important and meaningful to me. Thank you. I love you all. Mucho.
ReplyDeleteSue - Reality BITES!!! and that is the kindest word I can use. :(
Nanette - You go girl! Go kick Mr. Reality in the ASS! He doesn't know who he is dealing with. You are very strong and I admire everything you have done in the last 5 years. This is just another BUMP -- a large bump -- but one I know you will CONQUER. Keep on Walking the Miles.....
Renee - You are a strong, willful, beautiful woman and you will get through this. You have a great support system, use us.♥
Renee - And yes we will keep walking the miles!
Cindy - I'll be there with you as you continue to walk! You inspire me.
Stephanie - Meh. Walking is SO MUCH better than running, anyway. Especially since all this old age stuff is settling in.
Tracy - If you can do all these things you do with two herniated disks, just think what you can do once you get it resolved or at least alleviated. You are in a much better situation this time around because you are strong, both in will and in body.
Linda - Jacqueline, you inspire all of us and I know you will climb this mountain and come over the top victorious! Just know you have your friends and support behind you and beside you all the way!!! Walking, walking and walking some more!